How To Get To Heaven

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" 
"NO!" the children all answered. 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" 
Again, the answer was "NO!" 
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" 
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

A Very Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" 
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" 
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" 
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." 
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." 
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Out of Luck

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. 
Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". 
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. 
Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." 
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: 
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."